1 - The Magic of Shared Meals

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Episode 01 - 1,000 Waking Minutes: The Magic of Shared Meals

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with Dr. Wendy Bazilian |

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“To invite people to dine with us is to make ourselves responsible for their wellbeing for as long as they're under our roofs.”

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We experience 1,000 waking minutes on average every day. How are you spending yours? I'm Dr. Wendy Bazilian, and you're listening to 1,000 Waking Minutes.

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I can't wait to connect with you here with practical ways to eat well, move daily, and be healthy to optimize every waking minute you live for a happier, healthier life. Thank you for sharing some of your waking minutes with me today.

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Let's get started.

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♪ I'm saying yes to better days, yes ♪

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♪ I'm on my way, yes ♪

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♪ It's gonna be okay, yeah ♪

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I just love listening to my new theme song. I hope you do too, by the amazing musician, Beza. Thank you for joining me here today. Welcome to 1,000 Waking Minutes.

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This is my debut episode on my own podcast. I am emotional about this. I'm your host, Dr. Wendy Bazilian. Today we're talking about eating in the company of others. I thought I would just start with a topic, and then we'll back up in the next couple of episodes and tell you all the why's and where's of how this podcast got started.

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1,000 Waking Minutes.

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We have about 1,000 waking minutes a day. If you calculate our entire day every day, we have 1,440 minutes in a 24-hour day. If we are trying to be healthy and optimize our time, we would benefit from seven and a half hours on average of sleep. I know that give or take, and sometimes we can't get there. I'm a working mom; I'm not always there. But we know that that's the amount of sleep necessary for optimizing health.

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If we subtract out those approximately seven and a half hours of the day, we're left with 1,000 waking minutes. I've been wanting to name a class, name a podcast, as it turns out!, 1,000 Waking Minutes for some time because we all have the same time. It's life's currency. And we have the same amount of time…we are time-strapped individuals. We use time analogies all the time.

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There's so much to talk about with time. But hopefully, we'll talk about how to change our perspective on time, how to optimize our waking minutes toward a well-lived life. That is the goal of this show.

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And today's topic I would like to discuss is eating in the company of others—eating with others, eating socially some of your meals during the week, if not many—and the benefits that you can gain mentally and physically from eating with others and utilizing those 1,000 waking minutes – some of those 1,000 waking minutes a day – toward that end. Whether you love the idea of socializing and bonding around a meal, or you don't feel like you have the time, I'm going to hopefully convey and hopefully convince you about the value of that.

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I would imagine that some of us enjoy our time with our own thoughts. We enjoy our time alone at times. But I would encourage us to look at ways, and I'll give you lots of health benefits and ways to engage around the table with others. There's nothing quite like sitting around a dinner table with friends, or family, or colleagues, or your community having great conversations.

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Think about a time that you may have had that where you're savoring – you’re not gulping – you’re savoring the meal and appreciating the food, but you're also appreciating the people, the laughs, and the conversation. This practice can be an emotional one, and it can benefit our physical health.

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Maybe taking time to socialize around the table is newer territory for you, or it's something that you do with your family, but unless it's a big full-blown production, you don't host very often. Keep listening. I want to discuss some very simple ways that you can gather around the table and what you can get out of it as well.

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(4:52) The philosophy of eating and connecting through meals

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So, a short story... In our home years ago, when I was doing my doctoral degree in public health and nutrition, I was reading everything I could about, of course, nutrition science, but I've always been so mesmerized by the gastronomic writings and the idea and philosophy behind eating that predates anything that modern nutrition science has to offer.

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And of course, there's no question that our culture, our family, our economics, our political situation, our religion—everything!—impacts our food culture and how we dine. Well, I was reading a book from Brillat-Savarin, The Physiology of Eating [sic] Tasting, and found a quote that just really stuck with me. And so, we sort of started applying it to our home, sort of like a personal mantra. And I’ve mentioned this is in talks many times over the years, but I’d like to verbalize it right now.

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The quote from Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, forgive my butchering of the accent there in French, is:

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"To invite people to dine with us is to make ourselves responsible for their wellbeing for as long as they are under our roofs."

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Whereas one could say, “yeah, I get it Wendy, you were studying nutrition and you probably wanted to make nutritional meals, and make us all healthier if I came to your house,” that is the last thing that came to mind.

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What really came to mind at that moment was the word that I use all the time: nourishment. And also the word wellbeing. That when you come into my home, that's something that I feel like.

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Hopefully, we can consider this podcast space our home, since we're sharing some of those 1,000 waking minutes today together and hopefully on an ongoing basis. That when you come in, I'm responsible for hopefully nourishing mind and body. Hopefully giving you information that either unearths something that you already know or piques something or that you learn a little something that you can take, as well as some of the benefits to your physical health and your overall health as well.

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When we took that mantra on in our household, what it really meant to me was that we want to host the whole you. We want the whole experience to be wonderful. We want to have you come, and of course, I'd love to feed you delicious food, and it's probably going to have some things that are healthy in it, but I hope that you would leave our home saying, "Gosh, that was a delicious meal! Thank you for the company! That was great conversation!" That would be my ideal. Do I always hit? I don't know. You'll have to ask the guests who've come to our home.

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And then maybe in parentheses, they say, "And I bet that was healthy too. I bet that was nutritious as well." Because I'll cook basically anything, and I love coming up with food. I will cook simply as well. I'm working on some things that I'll share with you today on making it simpler because I am a mom of an elementary school child and very busy, and sometimes even I have to remind myself of the importance of socializing around the dinner table. Not only with my family—we do a pretty good job of that—but with others as well.

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So having people over to meals is one of life's beautiful things, I think. It's one of my favorite things. When guests are in our home under our roof, we feel it is about creating an environment that people feel good in.

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Does that mean a spotless clean environment? Probably not. Does it mean that every single bite is a favorite morsel that they've never tried before? Maybe not. But is it a comfortable environment?

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So I want to just underscore, and I hope that that quote resonates with you as well. You may apply it, or you may just want to come over for dinner sometime.

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(9:08) A quick, mindful meditation on enjoying company at the table

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Let's take a moment for a brief mindful meditation. If you're in a safe space, feel free to close your eyes. If you're driving, please keep them open, but let your mind wander back to a memorable meal shared with others, a memory of dining with others you really enjoyed.

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Okay, I'm going to begin our MINDFUL MINUTE now.

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Picture the scene. Where were you? What did the table look like? Was it a recent gathering that you're remembering or a cherished memory from the past? Who was there with you?

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Tap into all your senses: what you saw, what you smelled, the sounds that entered your ears, how you felt, and of course, the tastes. For example, think about the aroma of the foods. Was the setting cool or warm? Did you need a sweater? What season? What was the temperature of the food? And of course, the flavors.

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What was the lighting like? Was it bright and lively or more soft and subdued and intimate? Were there candles? Was it a boisterous environment with lots of laughter, or were there deep conversations across the table?

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And think about the food itself. Was it served family style, or did you have your own plate served? What flavors do you remember? Was it spicy, savory, sweet? How did the meal make you feel? Was it relaxed and comforting? Was it joyous? Was it a new experience? Were you a little anxious?

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Are there any surprises or big news shared at this meal? Did anyone spill anything? Let these memories fill you with warmth and nostalgia. Hopefully, you're wearing a smile right now thinking about it.

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Okay, our minute is up. I went a little over a minute, our first mindful minute together on 1,000 Waking Minutes. But I hope this moment of reflection was meaningful for you. We'll be sharing more Mindful Minutes each episode, and I'll invite you to pause and appreciate the simple yet profound act of taking a minute to think back about a time such as sharing a meal with others as we did today.

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(11:32) Why shared meals can benefit your relationships, self esteem, and well-being

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So why do shared meals matter? Science has shown that positive social interaction when dining with family and friends can help us build relationships, it can help bolster our self-esteem, and it can even help us eat more vegetables. And you know, if I'm in nutrition, I'm going to be encouraging you here and there and everywhere to eat more vegetables.

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But let's think more closely at some of these. And there’s even research to back it. I call this the ROI—the returns on investment—on doing these behaviors that feel social and engaging, like sharing meals with others.

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Better mood and mental health: Shared meals can help people feel more connected to others, which can help reduce anxiety and stress. There's been research that when people eat with others, they're more likely to feel happy and satisfied with their lives overall.

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Lowered risk of chronic diseases: People who eat most of their meals alone may be at increased risk of heart disease and diabetes, according to some research published a few years back. Researchers found that men who dined alone at least twice a day were also more likely to have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and prediabetes compared to those who dined with others. So you can have a literal physical benefit to your health.

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It can also provide good footing for your kids: Maybe you've heard, you know, have family meals. The month of September is about family meals. You'll hear encouragement from teachers and from nutritionists and dietitians to eat with family. Children who eat dinner with their parents five or more days a week are healthier, with a lower chance of overweight and obesity. They tend to have higher grades and self-esteem.

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We certainly know that it's a point where we can touch base and tune in and take the devices off the table literally during that time. But we've also seen that families that eat together—not every night, we know that sports happen, we know that schedules can get awry—but when you can focus on that family meal, kids when they hit the preteen and teen years are less likely to indulge in drugs and alcohol and other risky behaviors.

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Another benefit, and I alluded to it in my last comment is decreased screen time: Not only in a family situation, but when you're dining with others, you're less likely to have the screen in front of you. I mean, let's face it; I've become one of these as well on occasion… I try to invest in a book versus scrolling if I'm going to do this. But more and more, I've tried to sit if I'm dining alone, if I'm traveling, and I'm having a meal alone, in really just taking in the sights around us.

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It wasn't long ago that our devices were actually attached to walls, and you couldn't have them with you. Maybe you could bring a good book to the dinner table if you were dining alone, but we have decreased solo screen time when you're dining with others. You're more likely to engage with people and not technology at that time.

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Guess before we Google it! My daughter has this new saying that she's come up with, and I love it. And I have to say proudly that I think I instigated it because we have plenty of devices in our home, like most of us, many of which have names that if I called them right now, they would turn on. We're so keen to know the answer to “the question” or help our kids out to know the answer to their question that very quickly we'll call on them to answer the question.

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So what my daughter has said recently, and I'm titling it this, is: "Mama, let's guess before we Google it." Let’s Guess BEFORE we Google It!

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Think of the conversation you can have when you don't have the answer right away. Think of the conversations missed when you just answer the question or the creativity missed. I can't tell you the number of occasions when we've said recently, "Guess before you Google it," that we end up making up and just having the best conversations about the general topic at hand. Sometimes we even lose track of what the question was in the first place. And that doesn't matter because we end up having the best conversation.

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And you know what? In the end, when you've exhausted all your guesses, you can Google it or you can call on that trusted techie friend that's probably plugged into a wall somewhere or as close as your palm or on the counter hopefully, away from the table.

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(16:13) How dining with others can make you a better person

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Some say that eating and dining with others can make you a better person. I have to point out…that researchers in Belgium, I think this is great, have linked the frequency of family meals to altruistic acts. In a survey of nearly 500 students, those who shared more meals frequently in childhood were more likely to give directions to strangers, offer seats on public transportation, help their friends move, do volunteer work, and more.

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So just think—the act of sitting around a table with others connecting. I hope if anything that this podcast can do is to connect us to share these moments together. Connecting. And dining with others actually, finally, for the last benefit—and I think this is important—can help us learn about ourselves.

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It can be personal. By sharing around the table or sharing around food. It can engender cooperation, considering fairness, you know, when you're divvying up portions—equal [even] Stevens or otherwise. It can help your value system and identity. I mean, think about it: We eat at least three times a day, most of us, many times we are eating more if you include the snacks…And we make discoveries about how we prepare, how we set tables, how we converse, and how we clean up. And the ritual of eating with others can be part of our daily minutes.

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(17:45) Strategies for incorporating more shared meals into your routine

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With that in mind, I want to sort of put this to practice. In each of my episodes, I want to give some ideas, hopefully ones—and maybe you can come up with some and share them back with me; I sure hope you can—give some ideas, some action items that you can either—let's call it: "take it to the table”—take it to the table now, moving forward in this area of dining with others.

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Some of the things that I want you to remember are thinking about maybe shifting your mindset. If you feel that it's overwhelming to dine or figure out how to dine socially with others outside your family, if dinnertime seems stressful…, I want to remind you of another great quote that I love from Epicurus, an ancient Greek philosopher. He once said,

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"We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink."

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We usually put this upside down on its head. Usually, we think of “what's for dinner?” and then we call whoever's around to the table. But maybe thinking about who's the company going to be, when am I going to have company, and then bringing them together, and then bringing them around food.

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Another idea is setting a date. As we're planning our calendar, as we have all the things to do, it may seem like just one more thing, but if you can look at the calendar and say, "What date are we going to get together? What date can I have this friend?" “I've been meaning to text this friend, let alone get together with them….”

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When can I just invite them along, stop over for dinner? And put it on the calendar. No matter how much you want to reschedule, …it's not them, it's you… Honor the commitment. Think of it like an appointment that you would be charged for if you canceled it.

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Think of it like something that you know will be delightful once you get there, but that you keep on the calendar; you commit that time, those wonderful minutes.

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As I mentioned the benefit of family meals, making family meals a priority.

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Just like you pencil in your appointments, when sports schedules are, when you have classes, anything that is active as an appointment,… make family meals a type of appointment because then you block the time. It's how we choose our waking minutes that we can craft our waking minutes.

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So it's not about squeezing those out because they just can't fit; it's about making them as important as anything else that you've committed to in your life. So make the plan. We know that activities can get in the way, but plan at least maybe two sit-down dinners with your family where you set the table, where you come around the table, where you take a break. It could be breakfast, it could be lunch, it could be dinner, and it will invite conversation and all the things that we talked about.

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Start conversation. If you find conversation difficult or if there's been confrontation or debate in the family or everyone's having a hard day and people are stressed and testy, maybe make a general question about joy. Like, "What made you laugh today?" Maybe just start something like that.

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Or “if you could just eat one food for a month, what would it be?” Maybe it's a hypothetical where everyone can ring in. There are some little games that you've probably seen or heard about that are conversation starters for tables. Those are good too.

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But simple things you can generate—little questions that you just go around and everyone gets a chance to be heard and to respond.

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Have you ever dined at a distance? This is something that probably more people are familiar with than before the pandemic. And it might be one of the great things that came out of it, and it's something we can continue. You may have friends all over the country; I certainly do.

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And I have some friends across the world, and I miss them. It may be difficult time zone-wise. You might be on breakfast when they're on dinner or vice versa, but maybe you take a tea time, a snack time, and maybe you Zoom or FaceTime or get together on video or even a call and enjoy them at a distance.

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Skype and other video conferencing, Google Hangouts—there are all kinds of ways that you can get together. If you want to take it to the next level, maybe you share a recipe and you both make it. You don't have to make it on screen unless you get really ambitious, but maybe you both make it and then you eat together, and you can catch up on life for a little bit of time.

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(22:43) Tips for keeping your dinner parties simple and relaxing

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Remember to keep meals simple. So the next tip is we are so inundated with the beautiful, and I love devouring them with my eyes and mind as well, but the beautiful showcases of dining and meals and elaborate table settings and whatnot, but you can keep it simple and do that socially as well.

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Sometimes we think in order to host the party, we've got to have the whole, all the fixings of a party, but think back in time, maybe bring yourself back in your mind—if you didn't live in that era—of the 1940s or 50s when maybe the meal was on the table and someone rang the doorbell, ….you actually answered the doorbell,… and you said, "Hey, we're just sitting down to dinner."

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Instead of sort of ushering them away, you say, "Would you like to join us? Let's pull up a chair." Think about the simplicity of your family meal and know that when people come to your home and you invite them in, they're going to love being invited. They are not going to hyper critique what's on the table.

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So keep it simple and think about if going to a restaurant is relaxing for you, if ordering take-in is easy for you, keep it easy—as easy as you do for yourself, just add another person.

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Try community dining. I have to share this with you. When I was doing research for this episode, I found that each year in June, there are communities in Cornwall in the UK that gather for something called the Big Lunch. It's a celebratory get-together where they stop the traffic, they pull out an enormous, rather you know: long tables set up on the main street, and residents come out to share food, swap stories, and get to know one another.

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It's like coming out of our doors, opening our doors, and getting together. It may be like the potlucks of neighborhoods that some have had, or maybe it's a simple picnic where we invite someone and we just meet with a—again, not a fully orchestrated fancy picnic—but maybe we just bring our meals and we bring a tablecloth to sit on and we bring our own company. That's enough.

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So community dining, you can even make it an event. We have some talk in our neighborhood with some of the people that I interact with, and I've only interacted with on one of my Facebook groups, about getting together for what we call “drinks in the driveway”.

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And it doesn't have to be alcoholic drinks, but a get together—a neighborhood get-together or community dining. And I think that would be a lot of fun. We've talked about it – we’re in the talks. So maybe by the time that you hear this, we'll already be underway with that.

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And finally, hosting a low-key dinner party. And this is back to the simplicity again. I call these NBD dinners—no big deal dinners. We go through phases in our family with this, and we're just getting back into the swing of it. Some people are very good at casual entertaining, and it's no big deal for them to have friends over.

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You might have some friends like that. We have some incredible friends that we've known for, I'm not even going to say… multiple decades here in San Diego. They're the parents of our goddaughters, and we can show up anytime, almost unannounced.

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We always announce ourselves, but we just all pull up a chair, we sit down, and we have the best conversation over no big deal dinners or snacks or whatever time of day it is. We've taken to like that as well.

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Some people feel like they can't host a meal without making a big splash. And we are fully in and excited when people have a full-blown production. It's amazing. We love to partake in it. But a lot of people avoid hosting at all because they fear or expect that that's what they need to do, and that takes a lot of work. There's no question about it. A lot of planning, a lot of cleaning, a lot of prepping, and all that.

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So if you want to do NBD dinners, that could be as easy as saying, "Hey, I know it's a work night, we're all busy. You want to come over for a timed one hour? We'll order some pizzas, put a little salad out, and we'll have a little conversation."

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Maybe you have a chocolate bar in the cabinet that you can pull out or some popsicles or ice cream for dessert, or maybe you just pass on it and you say, "Thanks for coming to dinner, it was great to see you again."

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So hosting low-key dinner parties and practicing at that will get you better at it. One of the things I'll put in the show notes is I have something called the Anatomy of a Grain Bowl. And basically what that is, is based on the big trend of grain bowls that have featured cool grain, like an ancient grain, and you sort of mix and match. It's sort of like a taco bowl or a different kind of bowl. And that's another great way to do an NBD dinner. I'll put that in the show notes. And you can go directly to my website to get it too at wendybazilian.com/grainbowl.

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(27:50) A reflection on how you’re spending your valuable waking minutes

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So I think that that's about all for my first episode that I want to cover with you. I want to encourage everyone to eat in the company of others a little bit more this week. We are going to be covering lots of different topics under three pillars of my professional and personal practice for the last 20-plus years.

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And those three pillars are eat well, move daily, be healthy. Today's “eat in the company of others” certainly fits under the eat well. We know that there's a multitude of health benefits ranging from emotional, spiritual, as well as physical benefits from eating with others.

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And we know that it's time well spent. So choosing to spend some of your 1,000 waking minutes today—or tomorrow or sometime this week—with others has real payoff. And I hope that you now know the rewards that it can bring.

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I look forward to hearing from you if you have more ideas on this.

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(26:56) A question to think about

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So I wanted to pose a question to you, a question that I will ask at each episode, or maybe you'll help me evolve the questions over time. And the question is:

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“If you could replay one minute of your day today, which would it be and why?”

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if you could replay one minute from your own day today, which would it be and why?

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By reflecting on our waking minutes—the memories, those that prove valuable, perhaps even have a positive impact on our health—it helps us anchor them into our memory and perhaps craft them or help them create how we choose to spend our 1,000 waking minutes tomorrow. Something to think about.

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Thank you for sharing a few of your 1,000 waking minutes together with me today. And until next time, I look forward to connecting with you on a future episode and be well.

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(30:18) Gratitude to my team and you!

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Thank you for tuning in to 1,000 Waking Minutes. A huge thank you to our amazing collaborators, to our producer Nikki Butler Media, to KCM Connect PR and Marketing, the ultra-talented Beza for my theme music, my lifelong friend and artist Pearl Preis Photography and Design, to Danielle Ballantyne, Jen Nguyen, Joanna Powell, and of course, my family and everyone working tirelessly behind the scenes.

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And to you, our valued listeners, I so appreciate your support. If you enjoyed today's episode, please consider leaving a comment, writing a review, and giving 1,000 Waking Minutes—that's us—a five-star rating. And please hit subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you enjoy your podcasts. Please follow and stay connected at wendybazilian.com. And don't forget to share with your friends. Your support helps us grow and bring you more great content.

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Until next time, stay inspired and find simple opportunities to optimize those 1,000 waking minutes each day.